Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Sweet Home Alabama

Football season is upon us, folks. As many of you know by now, I grew up in the Deeeeeep South. I also grew up "bleeding Orange and Blue," which in the state of Alabama means I was an Auburn Fan. Mom went to Auburn in the 70's, and my sister and I followed suit some 30 years later (I actually lived in the same dorm as she had during my freshman year). While this isn't an ode to my Alma Mater, it suffices to say I adore that place. I had a wonderful undergraduate experience there. I loved the intense Auburn fandom, the traditions, The Creed, the Plains themselves... the orange and blue Tiger Paws drawn on College Street. And I love that I was a student there (from '01 until '05) during years where the football team enjoyed quite a good run (and even an undefeated season and had potential for an unrealized national championship). We aren't bitter at all about that, no way.

But my point is... like in many states in the South, In Alabama you grow up knowing "who you go for" at an early age. And it's all about football, baby. As a wee little one, I certainly knew I didn't like the University of Alabama. I didn't know a thing about the school, the fans, the potential for Saban Nation, the politics, or even football... but I knew I would NEVER be an Alabama fan. I even remember refusing to listen to the band Alabama, just because I thought they were associated with the team (I grew up and began to love those Fort Payne boys by 4th grade or so). The rivalry is strong with this one. I actually attended the Universiteh for my graduate degree... and I was sure to wear Auburn paraphernalia prominently to almost every class. I made a lot of friends there. 

This post is also not an ode to my dislike of my Alma Mater's fiercest rival. What is it, then? An ode to the rivalry itself. And to just how ridiculous people from Alabama are in general. We've been making the news in recent years, and I've gotta say... from the view here in Tennessee, it ain't purdy. But I'm still proudly waving my Alabama flag high, regardless.In theory, at least.

So... here goes. The best of Alabama's infamous.

First we have the Bessemer woman who claimed a Nick Saban endorsement for her mayoral candidate run. This is the interview in which she claims bamboozle. She didn't know a thing about it, folks.

I won't even begin to tarnish this blog with more of the Bammer ridiculousness regarding Nick Saban. (ie 2000-Saban, Got Nick?, Did you know Saban walks on Lake Tuscaloosa?) You can Google that and see yourself.

Next we have a news story-turned Autotune sensation. A woman in Huntsville woke up to find a man in the bed with her, supposedly there to rape her, but he scrambled out of the window before anything happened or he was apprehended. Her brother is very upset. Hilarity ensues.

The original news segment:

Hide ya kids. Hide ya wife.

And the now famous Autotune. I have had it in my head for weeks.

And let's not forget about the leprechaun let loose in Mobile. "Where da gold at?!" My friend Michael, a Mobile native, gets quite upset every time anyone mentions it.


From the 2010 (already-printed-and-shipped-no-going-back-now) ticket book:

And now I'll share my favorite thing to laugh about that hails from Auburn:


Kenny and David Irons both played for Auburn during my tenure there, providing much the comical fodder. But just as much as they fueled the Bammers' repertoire of AuBARN jokes, the brothers gave their fellow Auburn folks a giggle as well. It helps that they absolutely kicked some major ass on the field and both later went on to be drafted into the NFL.

Over the years, the quotes coming from these two boys are pure ridiculous genius. While I can't find any video footage, I'll provide you with some of my favorite gems:

From a Q&A with Kenny (the rest of the interview is simply fantastic)***:
 Q: What is your most prized possession and something that you could not live without?A: “Candy, I love candy.  I love candy bars and snacks.  If they didn’t make snacks and junk food then I would be lost. I wake up in the morning eating honey buns.  (Strength and Conditioning) Coach Yoxall wants us to gain weight and I tell him that I eat good food and then he asks what I have been eating.  I always tell him that I’ve had two Little Debbie snacks, some brownies, and some cookies.  He always tells me that is not going to help me gain weight, but I love snacks.  I would eat snacks over any kind of healthy food any day.”
Also discussed in this interview are water polo, Shaquille O'Neal's 30-foot bed, and his love of drawing.

And an interview with David (you can subscribe for the full interview with, but I grabbed this quote from another site):

Q: Do you and Kenny have any competition with stats?
A: I just tell him to keep running like that and keep on running to the jungle. I told him I'd buy him a seesaw and monkey bars so he can swing around like a banana tree. He's doing real good running to his jungle. I told him the end zone is his zoo and if he runs to the end zone he can be with all of his little animal friends. I just told him to treat the football like a banana. "You treat the football like a banana and you won't let anybody at the zoo take your banana peel." He was like, "Yeah, that's true." And I was like, "Kenny, but it's not yellow, it's brown. Just think of it as an old banana and you've had out for weeks like you did at the house and it's turned brown. Run with it and don't let people strip it." He's been running like a crazy wild child.

***Over the years, this interview has been quoted and misquoted and exaggerated to hilarious extremes between my friends and me. "I'mmmm gonna go with snack. Cheetos... cookies... honeybuns... I always gotta be eatin' on something." No clue how that happened, but in my head, that's how the interview went.

I do love my home state. Although I'm pretty sure I will be happy if I never hear this song again during the remainder of my life:


Uhmm...yep said...

you left out "struttin that ass."

huntsville cried.

Lauren said...

I hadn't known about this gem. Oh, Huntsville. I wonder what has kept Dothan and Andalusia out of the national news so far? Or have I missed something else?